Everybody
sees the world through their own eyes.
The circumstances of our life, however
color our vision. For example, if you
never worried about having enough food
or a place to live, you will see the
world differently from someone struggles
to find food and be dry. Both approach
life from different sets of experiences.
When we want people to
see the world through our eyes,
sometimes our view of the world gets in
the way. Other times, our lack of
understanding the characteristics we
prevent others from seeing our view,
because we get in the way.
The most important thing
we can offer an individual is our
salvation. We want people to see the
world from our view. People need to
know they have eternity waiting for
them, and this life has a direct
correspondence to our eternity.
The goal of every
Christian should be to help those in the
world, see the world from their view.
If lost people understood they are lost,
they would want to be saved. Let’s say
you were driving down a road, and the
bride is out ahead. You don’t know the
bridge is out, you think the road is
fine, you have no reason to be
concerned. On the road, toward the
bridge is somebody waving a sign warning
drivers the bridge is out. That person
is trying to win people to his way of
thinking, for their own benefit.
To keep the Gospel from
the lost is to lock people out of
heaven. We should strive with all our
hearts, to learn how to bring lost
people around to our way of thinking.
The Holy Spirit will use our desire and
equip us to find those who are seeking
the Lord.
Learning how to win
people to our way of thinking, is really
learning how to get out of own way, so
the lost can have a clear path to the
Gospel.
1. The only way to get the
best of an argument is to avoid it.
The word argument
has both negative and positive
reflections. For many arguments are
contentious affairs, causing a flurry of
emotion for those involved. In the end,
both people loose because when emotion
is involved in the discussion, very
often there is little headway in
convincing somebody. Again, we need to
ask our self, what is the goal, of our
conversation with people. Hopefully the
end result is to influence people for
eternity.
Many people
rejoice in arguing and contentions, for
the sake of argument and being right.
Both in Romans and I Corinthians this
form of argument is referred to:
29 being filled with all
unrighteousness, sexual immorality,
wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness;
full of envy, murder, strife,
deceit, evil-mindedness; they are
whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of
God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors
of evil things, disobedient to parents,
Romans 1:29-30
20 For I fear lest, when I
come, I shall not find you such as I
wish, and that I shall be found by you
such as you do not wish; lest there be
contentions, jealousies,
outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions,
backbitings, whisperings, conceits,
tumults; II Corinthians 12:20
19 A brother offended is
harder to win than a strong city, And
contentions are like the bars of a
castle.
Proverbs 18:19
This type of arguing is
for no reason, then to engage someone
in a verbal conflict. This verbal
fighting leads to nowhere but spent
emotions, and hurt feelings. Even when
we know we are 100% right!, we need to
ask, so how do we benefit? How is the
soul who looses any closer to knowing
the Lord? Our ultimate goal in talking
and establishing relationships with
people is their eternity.
There are ways to
discuss issues, without being
contentious, arguing and offensive.
Paul, for example, ministered in Ephesus
for 3-years. He began his ministry by
going to the Synagogue, reasoning and
persuading, even though Paul spoke
boldly, he did not go to fight and
offend but present.
8 And he went into the
synagogue and spoke boldly for three
months, reasoning and
persuading concerning the things of
the kingdom of God. 9 But when some were
hardened and did not believe, but spoke
evil of the Way before the multitude, he
departed from them and withdrew the
disciples, reasoning daily in the school
of Tyrannus. 10 And this continued for
two years, so that all who dwelt in Asia
heard the word of the Lord Jesus, both
Jews and Greeks. Acts 19:8-10
There are ways to present
Gospel, with being offending those
listening. The words used here in the
Greek are
dialevgomai Dialegomai
for
reasoning, and
peivqw Peitho
for persuading. The word dialegomai
is the source of our word dialogue, the
word means to think different things
with one’s self, to have a
conversation. Peitho, the word
for persuade means to induce one
by words to believe.
We need to learn how to monitor our
discussion, not letting it become uneasy
or contentious.
Where do you draw the line?
Dale Carnegie
uses several examples to illustrate the
point, one where he personally learned
when you draw a line for an argument.
I was attending a banquet on night given
in Sir Ross’s honor; and during the
dinner, the man sitting next to me told
a humorous story which hinged on the
quotation “There’s a divinity that
shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we
will.”The raconteur mentioned that the
quotation was from the Bible. He was
wrong. I knew that. I knew it
positively. There couldn’t be the
slightest doubt about it. And so, to
get a feeling of importance and display
my superiority, I appointed myself as an
unsolicited and unwelcome committee of
one to correct him. He stuck to his
guns. What? From Shakespeare?
Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was
from the Bible. And he knew it.The
storyteller was sitting on my right; and
Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine,
was seated at my left.Mr. Gammond had
devoted years to the study of
Shakespeare. So the storyteller and I
agreed to submit the question to Mr.
Gammond. Mr. Gammond listened, kicked
me under the table, and then said:
“Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is
right it is from the Bible”On the way
home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond:
“Frank, you knew that quotation was from
Shakespeare.”“Yes, of course,” he
replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene
Two. But we were guests at a festive
occasion my dear Dale. Why prove to a
man he is wrong? Is that going to make
him like you? Why not let him save his
face? He didn’t ask fo ryour opinion.
He didn’t want it. Why argue with him?
Even though Dale
Carnegie was right, what could he have
gained by winning? He would have
embarrassed the man, showing him he was
ignorant of the Bible and he Dale was
more knowledgeable. The man would have
been embarrassed, and felt small the
rest of the night. He would always
remember, being corrected in the
presence of others by Dale Carnegie.
There was no purpose in the argument,
other to make Dale seem more
significant.
There are ways to
have a disagreement without arguments,
even though Paul disagreed with people
in Ephesus, he was able to speak in the
Synagogue for 3-months. When the point
came, where people were hardened and did
not want to listen, Paul withdrew and
continued teaching at the school of
Tyrannus. Paul’s goal was not to get
people angry, but to present Jesus. Now
there are times, when presenting Jesus
will make people angry, that comes with
the territory of spiritual warfare. We
have the choice, on how heated the issue
gets, do we want another opportunity to
discuss the issue.
One method which
helps when a discussion starts to become
emotional is to stop the discussion and
acknowledge the level of emotion.
Saying something along these lines,
“Joe...listen I don’t mind talking about
the this issue, I know you might not
agree with me, and I might not agree
with you... If we can just both agree
we will not get emotional and just stick
with the facts and still be friends.
If we can’t, I would just rather change
subjects is that ok, Joe?” This way,
both parties are aware of the potential
explosion, and the discussion can
continue, as a dialogue and not
contention. Spiritual issues such as
the Bible, Jesus, eternity can cause a
great deal of heat. We have some
control, to the level which the heat
rises, we can choose if we want
contention or dialogue, argument or
persuasion.
2. Show respect for the other persons
opinions, never say “You are wrong”
One aspect of human nature is the need
to be right. Even young children get in
arguments over who is “right”. Why?
Because being wrong, makes us less
significant, inferior to the person who
is right. Being wrong can be humbling,
while being right can be ego boosting.
Its like winning and loosing a game, no
one likes to loose games, the same goes
with being right and wrong.
When we make it
our mission in life, to let people know
where they are wrong, we can become an
unlikable person to be around. We can
become like the fly in the ointment.
There are ways and methods of helping
people find truth, without beating them
with it.
Benjamin Franklin
found this out after a friend rebuked
him for his confrontational personality
of always letting people know they were
wrong. Dale Carnegie relays the quote
from Franklin’s friend, who rebuked him.
Ben, you are impossible.
Your opinions have a slap in them for
everyone who differs with you they have
become so offensive that nobody cares
for them. Your friends find they enjoy
themselves better when you are not
around. You know so much that no man
can tell you anything. Indeed, no man
is going to try, for the effort would
lead only to discomfort and hard work.
So you are not likely ever to know any
more than you do now, which is very
little
This rebuke from a friend
changed Franklin’s whole approach to
those around him, resolved to never
again tell people they were wrong
directly. Carnegie quotes Franklin
about his transformation.
“I made it a rule,” said
Franklin, “to forbear all direct
contradiction to the sentiment of
others, and all positive assertion of my
own. I even forbade myself the use of
every word or expression in the language
that imported a fix’d opinion, such as
‘certainly’, ‘undoubtedly’, etc, and I
adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’
‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to
be so and so, or it ‘it so appears to me
at present.’ When another asserted
something that I thought an error, I
deny’d myself the pleasure of
contradicting him abruptly, and of
showing some absurdity in his
proposition; and in answering I began by
observing in certain cases or
circumstances his opinion would be
right, but in the present case there
appear’d or seem’d to me some
difference, etc.
Ben Franklin’s
ability to handle people made him our
diplomat too Europe during the American
Revolution.
Socrates like Ben Franklin
learned there are other ways to
influence people, rather then telling
them they are wrong. Socrates
influenced Greece by asking questions,
he wanted people to see for themselves
by answering the questions. Today this
form of questioning is known as the
Socratic Method. Socrates was so
successful at asking questions he was
forced to commit suicide. He didn’t
need to go around confronting people; he
merely helped them see what he saw
through question.
Jesus describes
the attitude we should have to people
around us; we are to be reflections of
our Heavenly Father. We are not to be
confrontational with the world, for the
purpose of riling people. Jesus
approach to people was revolutionary.
He confronted our fallen nature, but
instructing us to do the opposite of
what our flesh wants to do. For
example, Roman solders could force
people to walk a mile, to carry baggage
or items, here Jesus says, if someone
makes you walk one-mile, go with him
two. We are to be a blessing to those
around us.
38 "You have heard that it
was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth
for a tooth.' 39 "But I tell you not to
resist an evil person. But whoever slaps
you on your right cheek, turn the other
to him also. 40 "If anyone wants to sue
you and take away your tunic, let him
have your cloak also. 41 "And whoever
compels you to go one mile, go with him
two. 42 "Give to him who asks you, and
from him who wants to borrow from you do
not turn away. 43 "You have heard that
it was said, 'You shall love your
neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44 "But I
say to you, love your enemies, bless
those who curse you, do good to those
who hate you, and pray for those who
spitefully use you and persecute you, 45
"that you may be sons of your Father in
heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the
evil and on the good, and sends rain on
the just and on the unjust. 46 "For if
you love those who love you, what reward
have you? Do not even the tax collectors
do the same? 47 "And if you greet your
brethren only, what do you do more than
others? Do not even the tax collectors
do so? 48 "Therefore you shall be
perfect, just as your Father in heaven
is perfect. Matthew 5:38-48
We are to reflect
our Heavenly Father by our actions, God
for example sends the rain and sun on
those who hate Him. He allows good
things to happen to those who despise
Him. If that is the attitude for the
Father in Heaven, then it should be our
attitude. Our life should set us apart
from those around us. Anybody can be
good to those who are good to them. The
test is can we be good to those who are
bad to us.
Not saying your
“Wrong”, does not mean you can’t
disagree with people, but understanding
there are better ways to disagree. Ben
Franklin did not stop disagreeing with
people, he only approached it from a
different angle. He did not need to
confront people with their “Wrongness”,
he persuaded by being more humble and
less forceful. In the same way, we as
followers of Christ need to strive to be
a blessing and a reflection by not
confronting but showing love to the
lost. We don’t have to tell people they
are wrong, many times our actions will
tell them. When someone sues you for
your clothes and you say, “hey those
clothes need this jacket here take this
too”. How does that make the person
feel, you are confronting them for
another angle, a spiritual angle as
opposed to the angle from the flesh.
3. If you are wrong admit it quickly and
emphatically
If our nature wants to be
right!, the last thing we want to do is
admit when we are wrong. It goes
against the grain of our pride and
significance to be wrong. However, to
be follower of Christ, we need to admit
we are wrong, or we are sinners. We
need a savior, because we are lost.
Most people if asked don’t think they
are bad, they might not admit they are
perfect, but they will not call
themselves sinners. Helping someone
understand their need for salvation,
often begins with helping people see
they are sinners in need of a savior.
The struggle with
admitting fault or being wrong is hard
for man of us. What me say I was wrong?
Many feel, when they know were wrong,
but pride prevents us from admitting
it. How many friendships, families and
marriages can be restored if pride was
removed, and people admitted they were
wrong? This is a dilemma the world
over, it’s a human condition. Being
humble, trusting in the Lord is a direct
confrontation to our human nature.
Dale Carnegie
relates this story from Hong Kong, how
by admitting being wrong, despite
culture and pride, can restore a family.
Michael Cheung, who teaches our course n
Hong Kong, told how Chinese culture
presents some special problems and how
sometimes it is necessary to recognize
that the benefit of applying a principle
may be more advantageous than
maintaining an old tradition. He had a
middle-aged class member who had been
estranged from hi son form many ears.
The father had been an Opium addict, but
was now cured. In Chinese tradition an
older person cannot take the first
step. The father felt that it was up to
his son to take the initiative toward
reconciliation. In an early session, he
told the class about the grandchildren
he had never seen and how much he
desired to be reunited with his son.
His classmates, all Chinese, understood
the conflict between his desire and
long-established tradition. The father
felt that young people should have
respect for their elders and that he was
right in not giving in to his desire, to
wait for his son to come to him.
Toward the end of the course the father
again addressed his class. “I have
pondered this problem,” he said. “Dale
Carnegie says, ‘If you are wrong, admit
it quickly and emphatically.’ It is too
late for me to admit it quickly, but I
can admit it emphatically. I wronged my
son. He was right in not wanting to
see me and expel me from his life. I may
lose face
by asking a younger person’s
forgiveness, but I was at fault and it
is my responsibility to admit this.”
The class applauded and gave him their
full support. At the next class he told
how he went to his son’s house, asked
for and received forgiveness and now
embarked on a new relationship with his
son, his daughter-in-law and
grandchildren he had at last met.
Admitting your
wrong is one of the hardest aspects of
human relations, Jesus relates the story
of the Prodigal son, how his pride
caused him to work with the pigs, rather
then come to his father and admit he was
wrong. Only when he could admit his
fault, was he able to come to the father
and be reunited.
11 Then He said: "A
certain man had two sons. 12 "And the
younger of them said to his father,
'Father, give me the portion of goods
that falls to me.' So he divided to them
his livelihood. 13 "And not many days
after, the younger son gathered all
together, journeyed to a far country,
and there wasted his possessions with
prodigal living. 14 "But when he had
spent all, there arose a severe famine
in that land, and he began to be in
want. 15 "Then he went and joined
himself to a citizen of that country,
and he sent him into his fields to feed
swine. 16 "And he would gladly have
filled his stomach with the pods that
the swine ate, and no one gave him
anything. 17 "But when he came to
himself, he said, 'How many of my
father's hired servants have bread
enough and to spare, and I perish with
hunger! 18 'I will arise and go to my
father, and will say to him, "Father, I
have sinned against heaven and before
you, 19 "and I am no longer worthy to be
called your son. Make me like one of
your hired servants." ' 20 "And he arose
and came to his father. But when he was
still a great way off, his father saw
him and had compassion, and ran and fell
on his neck and kissed him. 21 "And the
son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned
against heaven and in your sight, and am
no longer worthy to be called your son.'
22 "But the father said to his servants,
'Bring out the best robe and put it on
him, and put a ring on his hand and
sandals on his feet. 23 'And bring the
fatted calf here and kill it, and let us
eat and be merry; 24 'for this my son
was dead and is alive again; he was lost
and is found.' And they began to be
merry. 25 "Now his older son was in the
field. And as he came and drew near to
the house, he heard music and dancing.
26 "So he called one of the servants and
asked what these things meant. 27 "And
he said to him, 'Your brother has come,
and because he has received him safe and
sound, your father has killed the fatted
calf.' 28 "But he was angry and would
not go in. Therefore his father came out
and pleaded with him. 29 "So he answered
and said to his father, 'Lo, these many
years I have been serving you; I never
transgressed your commandment at any
time; and yet you never gave me a young
goat, that I might make merry with my
friends. 30 'But as soon as this son of
yours came, who has devoured your
livelihood with harlots, you killed the
fatted calf for him.' 31 "And he said to
him, 'Son, you are always with me, and
all that I have is yours. 32 'It was
right that we should make merry and be
glad, for your brother was dead and is
alive again, and was lost and is found.'
" Luke
15:11-32
When we are the first to admit our
faults, there are many benefits in our
relations with others. People see us as
accessible; we have lowered our gates,
eliminating the barriers.
Face refers to two
separate but related concepts in
Chinese social relations.
One is mianzi (Chinese:
面子), and the other is
lian (Traditional
Chinese:
臉,
Simplified Chinese:
脸), which are both
used commonly in everyday speech
rather than in formal writings.
Lian is the confidence of
society in a person's moral
character, while mianzi
represents social perceptions of
a person's
prestige. For a person to
maintain face is important with
Chinese social relations because
face translates into power and
influence and affects
goodwill. A loss of lian
would result in a loss of trust
within a
social network, while a loss
of mianzi would likely
result in a loss of
authority. To illustrate the
difference, gossiping about
someone stealing from a cash
register would cause a loss of
lian but not mianzi.
Repeatedly interrupting one's
boss as he is trying to speak
may cause the boss a loss of
mianzi but not lian.